Choosing to pursue a healthier me was one of the best decisions I ever made. It increased my satisfaction with life, grew my empowerment to advocate for myself, strengthened my ability to dream big and pursue those dreams, improved my interactions with others, and so much more. Iโve been on this journey for a little while now, especially as it pertains to mental and emotional wellness, and though I never thought it would be easy, there are a few things that I totally did not expect to experience along the way.
Check out this week's video to learn more about 5 of the things I didnโt expect to be a part of my healing journey and how Iโve been addressing them along the way.
Hereโs to continuing to seek & embrace the most healthy, happy, & whole versions of ourselves, while also remembering that we are already wonderful and worthy of the things we need & desire! Enjoy this week's video and let me know if you've experienced any of these things or any others along your healing and mental health journey.
Until next time, have a healthy and wholesome week! ๐ฝ๐จ๐
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Epiphani
Iโm turning 28 tomorrow, and well, itโs about time that I officially laid the โcool girlโ to rest.
What is a cool girl? Iโm glad you asked!
โSheโs a Cool girl. Cool girl is hot. Cool girl is game. Cool girl is fun. Cool girl never gets angryโฆโ โ Amy Dunne in the movie, Gone Girl
Essentially, a โcool girlโ is one who lacks boundaries. She never gets upset. Sheโs always quick to forgive AND forget. She has little to no standards, or at least avoids expressing them. Sheโs like โoh, you want that? Well, I want that, too!โ even when itโs a lie! She molds and melts parts of herself to be palatable for those around her, dulling her sharpest edges, and watering down her most pungent thoughts and feelings. She prides herself on being easy-going, even when the going isnโt actually easy for her! Often, โcool girlโ is used to represent a girl who is basically โone of the guysโ when it comes to dating and relationships with men; she likes what he likes, or pretends to, and is often praised for โnot being like the other girls.โ (What in the misogynyโฆ lol) But for me, and Iโm sure many others as well, the โcool girlโ trope doesnโt end with relationships with men. Nopeโฆ She tiptoes around friendships and family relationships, never ruffling feathers or holding people accountable. Itโs always โfineโ and she never has any less-than-ideal feelings, at least none she shares anywayโฆ
Somehow, sheโs come to believe that this makes her more desirable, more lovable, easier to deal with, etc. And maybe, with some people, it has, but it all comes at a cost, because deep down, there are unexpressed feelings and thoughts that sheโs gaslighted herself into suppressing, ignoring, or pretending not to exist. People compliment her for how calm and level-headed she is or for how much grace she extends, which causes a bit of inner conflict, because she wonders if those same peopleโromantic partners, friends, family members, etcโwould stick around and still feel the same way about her if she ever decided to actually speak up for herself, or hold others accountable for their BS. She knows sheโs not okay with certain things, she knows she wants more, she knows she doesnโt want to smile and say โitโs okayโ when itโs really not, but she doesnโt want to be labeled as difficult, or sometimes, to risk losing the relationship or opportunity. And to add fuel to the fire, being a Black woman, thereโs also the pressure to not be labeled as โangryโ, even when 1) she has every right to be and/or 2) she articulates her feelings in a cool, well-thought-out way that should be labeled as anything but.
But the problem with being the โcool girlโ is that she is being loved, adored, and celebrated for essentially being someone she is not, and is often getting the short end of the stick from her relationships, because she doesnโt express her desires, needs, boundaries, or standards. She canโt get what it is that she truly desires, because sheโs too busy pretending she doesnโt want it, and therefore, she wonโt speak up and advocate for it. Itโs kind of a lose-lose situation. Itโs a form of people-pleasing that robs her of who she truly is and from experiencing the fullness of life and meaningful, authentic relationships. She can never truly accept love and compliments, because they are often based on a watered down facade of herself, not the real her. So, what would happen if she decided enough was enough? That she was tired of playing the safe, quiet, go-with-the-flow girl in relationships and started just being herself, a woman with standards and boundaries who speaks up for herself, says โnoโ when needed, and remains true to her convictions, even when they may ruffle a few feathers along the way?
Well, I can tell you, Iโm surely about to find out! Technically, this journey has already started, and I wonโt lie to you, there are some people who could only handle you as the โcool girlโ and wonโt be willing or able to stick around for the โoutspoken womanโ. But the blessing in that is learning that perhaps, your paths and personalities were never aligned to begin with, and that those who are meant to stick around and show up for you will do so, even when it means youโre expecting more than the scraps you tolerated before. In fact, my most aligned relationships have applauded me and embraced me even more for regaining my backbone and speaking up for myself, even when it meant having difficult conversations with them. Iโve come to a point where I donโt want to be loved for a less authentic version of myself, or one where I canโt have feelings (positive or negative), desires, or needs. I know that I have a lot to offer in friendships, romantic partnerships, and familial bonds, so Iโve been reminding myself that itโs more than okay to expect reciprocity. It's okay for me to expect that I can display all facets of myself, even the parts that may make others a little uncomfortable at times.
As Dr. Suess would say, โBe who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.โ
Thank you to the โcool girlโ in me. You got me this far and kept me safe for a time, but now I must lay you to rest!
Cheers to twenty-eight, the year of the outspoken woman! ๐ฅณ๐ฅ
Happy Wellness Wednesday, Sis! ๐
Have you been kind to your body lately?
If not, now is a perfect time to start!
Check out todayโs video about loving your body in all stages.
โIf we make self-love or body acceptance conditional, the truth is, we will never be happy with ourselves. The reality is that our bodies are constantly changing, and they will never remain exactly the same. If we base our self-worth on something as ever-changing as our bodies, we will forever be on the emotional roller coaster of body obsession and shame.โ
โ Chrissy King