RIP to the 'Cool Girl' ✌🏾

I’m turning 28 tomorrow, and well, it’s about time that I officially laid the ‘cool girl’ to rest.

What is a cool girl? I’m glad you asked!

“She’s a Cool girl. Cool girl is hot. Cool girl is game. Cool girl is fun. Cool girl never gets angry…” – Amy Dunne in the movie, Gone Girl

Essentially, a “cool girl” is one who lacks boundaries. She never gets upset. She’s always quick to forgive AND forget. She has little to no standards, or at least avoids expressing them. She’s like “oh, you want that? Well, I want that, too!” even when it’s a lie! She molds and melts parts of herself to be palatable for those around her, dulling her sharpest edges, and watering down her most pungent thoughts and feelings. She prides herself on being easy-going, even when the going isn’t actually easy for her! Often, ‘cool girl’ is used to represent a girl who is basically ‘one of the guys’ when it comes to dating and relationships with men; she likes what he likes, or pretends to, and is often praised for “not being like the other girls.” (What in the misogyny… lol) But for me, and I’m sure many others as well, the ‘cool girl’ trope doesn’t end with relationships with men. Nope… She tiptoes around friendships and family relationships, never ruffling feathers or holding people accountable. It’s always ‘fine’ and she never has any less-than-ideal feelings, at least none she shares anyway…

Somehow, she’s come to believe that this makes her more desirable, more lovable, easier to deal with, etc. And maybe, with some people, it has, but it all comes at a cost, because deep down, there are unexpressed feelings and thoughts that she’s gaslighted herself into suppressing, ignoring, or pretending not to exist. People compliment her for how calm and level-headed she is or for how much grace she extends, which causes a bit of inner conflict, because she wonders if those same people–romantic partners, friends, family members, etc–would stick around and still feel the same way about her if she ever decided to actually speak up for herself, or hold others accountable for their BS. She knows she’s not okay with certain things, she knows she wants more, she knows she doesn’t want to smile and say ‘it’s okay’ when it’s really not, but she doesn’t want to be labeled as difficult, or sometimes, to risk losing the relationship or opportunity. And to add fuel to the fire, being a Black woman, there’s also the pressure to not be labeled as ‘angry’, even when 1) she has every right to be and/or 2) she articulates her feelings in a cool, well-thought-out way that should be labeled as anything but.

But the problem with being the ‘cool girl’ is that she is being loved, adored, and celebrated for essentially being someone she is not, and is often getting the short end of the stick from her relationships, because she doesn’t express her desires, needs, boundaries, or standards. She can’t get what it is that she truly desires, because she’s too busy pretending she doesn’t want it, and therefore, she won’t speak up and advocate for it. It’s kind of a lose-lose situation. It’s a form of people-pleasing that robs her of who she truly is and from experiencing the fullness of life and meaningful, authentic relationships. She can never truly accept love and compliments, because they are often based on a watered down facade of herself, not the real her. So, what would happen if she decided enough was enough? That she was tired of playing the safe, quiet, go-with-the-flow girl in relationships and started just being herself, a woman with standards and boundaries who speaks up for herself, says ‘no’ when needed, and remains true to her convictions, even when they may ruffle a few feathers along the way?

Well, I can tell you, I’m surely about to find out! Technically, this journey has already started, and I won’t lie to you, there are some people who could only handle you as the ‘cool girl’ and won’t be willing or able to stick around for the ‘outspoken woman’. But the blessing in that is learning that perhaps, your paths and personalities were never aligned to begin with, and that those who are meant to stick around and show up for you will do so, even when it means you’re expecting more than the scraps you tolerated before. In fact, my most aligned relationships have applauded me and embraced me even more for regaining my backbone and speaking up for myself, even when it meant having difficult conversations with them. I’ve come to a point where I don’t want to be loved for a less authentic version of myself, or one where I can’t have feelings (positive or negative), desires, or needs. I know that I have a lot to offer in friendships, romantic partnerships, and familial bonds, so I’ve been reminding myself that it’s more than okay to expect reciprocity. It's okay for me to expect that I can display all facets of myself, even the parts that may make others a little uncomfortable at times.

As Dr. Suess would say, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

Thank you to the ‘cool girl’ in me. You got me this far and kept me safe for a time, but now I must lay you to rest!

Cheers to twenty-eight, the year of the outspoken woman! 🥳🥂